December 18th, 2009

firefox-ie

Broken Ties

As I grow older, I continue to form new relationships and older ones seem to just pass on, leaving behind great memories and unfulfilled dreams.

When I make a friend, I like to think it's for life, but it usually isn't and mostly it really is my fault. I get aggressive about something and then I either jump the shark — I reach my best in the relationship and then backslide — or so radically change my stand on something as to put them in shock. I remember one friendship in particular I was getting into that I started to vie for something more and just when she started to warm to the idea, I panicked and withdrew so quickly as to leave her head (and her heart) spinning.

Here lately I've started losing touch with more friends, for various reasons, and it's really bothering me because I'm actively trying to stop it but it seems like it's the inevitable result of current events beyond my control. It started being in my control, and now it isn't. I guess I just don't like losing control of a situation, or a relationship.

That's been one of my hardest things in my walk with God. Letting go has always been so difficult for me. I try to hang onto things that I really should just let go of and it only seems to make things worse. I think God is trying to teach me how to let go and I'm just being stubborn, but can you blame me? Who wants to let go of any relationship that one values? Although I can see how it might seem that I didn't value this one in particular. Almost six months of minimal contact and then all of a sudden I want to be best friends again. So now I'm being told to just let it go and it's about to bring me to tears.

I really did value the relationship. The camaraderie. One of the few friendships that I had that I felt like was just right. I'm trying to focus on the present now, though. It's hard. Instead of healthily dealing with this ending I seem to be just trying to fill the void now and that never works if God isn't in it.

Please pray, friends, that I allow myself to be carried by God through this because I definitely cannot handle this one by myself.

[tags]relationships, friends[/tags]

Originally published at Ameliorations 1.0.