September 23rd, 2008

omg

Feeling Out of Sorts

My last shift (this past Sunday night/Monday morning) both my bosses commented on my decrease in productivity and I wasn't sure what to tell them. I haven't told them about my bipolar because I didn't think it would affect my work, yet now it has. Here I am, stable on my meds and not in danger of being hypomanic for any period of time. I have "normal" ups and downs. I'm definitely feeling as if for the first time I'm the one in control. I've tamed the beast. On the other hand it was the beast that allowed me, at least when hypomanic, to work as fast as my bosses have come to expect from me. It wasn't a warning or anything more official then them asking what's up and letting me know I need to get back on the ball. I'm not sure I can get back on the ball, not without getting off my meds and I will not do that for anyone. I know I need to broach the subject of my illness with work now that it has become an issue with work, but I guess I am worried about the stigma of having a mental illness and work. On an individual basis, I don't care who knows, but as far as my bosses are concerned, I don't know. It's different and it shouldn't be.

On a related note, I'm really finding it hard to find housing that is both affordable with what I'm making and not having to go into subsidized housing. I do not want to be an even bigger burden to my fellow taxpayers. When I was living in Knoxville and working, I didn't have a problem because I was making $9-9.50/hr. Not "serious" cash, but enough to be noticeable. I didn't have Internet but I did have my cell phone, groceries for the most part, and my own place. Not the best of places but it was mine. How do I get back to there from where I'm at. How do I get back to being in a market with lots of job potential while in a market with very little job potential and relatively low wages.

I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do it, I just know that I am going to do it.

[tags]self, mental health, bipolar-disorder, money[/tags]

Originally published at Ameliorations 1.0.