May 15th, 2006

sad-me

Life Sucks Sometimes

Posting here because I still want my LJ friends to keep up and I can't figure out how some other folks get their WP blog entries into LJ — well I can think of one way but that seems to be a pain in the ass and I'm not interested in doing really complicated things — so I just might copy and paste relevant bits, uncut in this posting, there as well, maybe.

So you remember my entry about people who don't want to communicate with you?

Well one of them IMed me (I don't have the logs anymore because I did something stupid, will elaborate later) and how the news of my being engaged again caused in them anger and resentment toward myself. My first thought (I didn't have much time to respond, was an extremely quick exchange) was WTF? which quickly turned into Excuse me? which is where it is at right now.

Excuse me? Anger and resentment? From the person who pushed me to move on with my life? I still don't know how to really respond to that. I'm moving on, like you and everyone else said I should. I sent you that birthday e-card because I was under the impression birthday and holiday e-cards were OK (under that impression because, IIRC, that was what was told to me). I didn't realize that had changed.

There are folks I was really close to and it didn't work out and we still stay in touch, even if sporatically. It's been nearly 5 years since kealowa and I were close(r) friends. She IM'd me the other day and we quickly chatted. She had just got home from work and was heading to sleep. It was nice, pleasant, and quick and had none of the hard feelings that would have otherwise been present had either of us held any ill-will for the other. My life has been better, richer, since we met (and through her, I met sanatae, whom I still keep in touch with, sort of). My life has been better and richer since I've met all the people I have known and still know.

Things might be hard for artzamy23 and myself right now, but both our lives are so full of love and hope and yes fear and sadness and everything that is human that goes along with relationships. We aren't just the sum of our parents. Our lives won't be like theirs, and searching for the perfect love will only leave us empty and hollow. When true, heart-breaking love comes along, it may not be a once in a life-time oppurtunity, but it is worth no less and is not that much less desirable to keep. If all you can think about is how much greener the grass on the other side of the fence looks like, just remember it probably looks like that because you haven't been there to chew on it.

Love is so many things that they can't be put into silly memes on LiveJournal. I'm learning a lot about many things. Childcare, fiscal responsibility, holding on to a job and getting along (better) with others. Sometimes it does take two for all those lessons to come together and mean something. Sometimes, even the smallest amount of support can go much further then all the money in the world. Sometimes the only support one needs is knowing that the one they love will be there for them. Once you push someone away so hard and so insistently, you don't really have the right to be angry or resentful when they do move on, no matter how quickly or slowly.

I've known artzamy23 for at least a year longer so we already had a history. We even briefly toyed with dating but neither of us were ready. We parted for a while. Now we're back together and we've both changed in significant ways, both before and after our repairing. Was this planned? I can honestly say no. This was not planned. I do not keep women on the side. That's a game losers play because they don't have anything truly significant to offer. I do try to keep friends at hand, though, for when we need each other. I try to keep open the lines of communication, even if I've hurt them in significant and lasting ways. I ask for forgiveness openly and honestly. I don't generally move on, though, because I'm always thinking, always. Maybe not in the ways that would ensure 100% happiness, but that's the way I work even when on anti-depressants. I think about things that have happened in my life. Those that have changed me and moved me and touched me are thought about most often. That's what I do, not consciously. There are some things, events and sometimes even people that I'd like to forget.

squizzlz posted some Beatles lyrics that hold true for me as well.

I can still name the women in my life who touched me so much I was ready to make a committment to them. I can remember my first real crush. I remember the pain of losing the person that I last crushed on. I remember what she looked like in before and after photos in my mind (the last young lady I had a crush on died of lukemia).

I remember because even when I've been hurt or when I've hurt, I've forgiven or asked for forgiveness. It seems a trivial thing to some, to ask for forgiveness, but it is not. Asking for forgiveness is in itself an admission of wrongdoing and is the hardest thing to do, the hardest thing to fake.

Life sucks sometimes. We have to take the good with the bad or else we'll drive ourselves crazy striving for only the good, we'll die unhappy and lonely if all we're willing to have is good experiences. You cannot run away from the bad. The bad comes with the good. How you handle each individual situation shows others your true self. I hope that I've handled myself better then I perceive myself to have handled myself. If not, I truly am sorry.

Now I feel I'm just rambeling on without any purpose. I'll stop here and go to bed. Whoever reads this reads it, what you take away from it will probably be different then what anyone else takes away from it, so there. Goodnight, everyone.