December 27th, 2000


Life sux!

I just sent an email basically telling her goodbye. I had to do it, I need some sort of closure. Maybe in time my heart and soul will get over her, but I know that won't be anytime soon. Even now as I sit here and try not to cry, I know that the one thing I will always do is love her, I just wish....a;lksjfl;kjfdsa Fucking shit.......what the hell do I know. It could never have worked anyways...she's west coast well off, I'm east coast poor as shit. And if I believed that this wouldn't be so fucking hard to write. How did we get to here from there? How did point a lead to point z in such a short period of time (come on, 3 years is never enough time, no amount of time is ever enough)? What could I have done differently? I feel that if I had been able to visit her like I had planned on doing...things might be different but now, now I'll never know will I? God, how I love her. The one thing that I ever felt I was good at doing and now even that is going away...damn life sux! I'd give her the universe and all she asks for is a grain of sand. Some might think one would be easier then the other, but giving her just the grain of sand is harder then escaping the strongest of black holes. I would have rather spent my life in orbit around a quasar then have things turn out like they did, it would be oh so much easier. My death couldn't come soon enough. I'm sure she would be the first to disagree and that would only make it worse. To know she cares, but only as a friend. It's like that song by the Fugee's(sp), she's "killing me softly" with her words. HOW do you stop loving? how does one just "let go"? How do you make all the pain go away? When do the tears stop? Sometimes I think she'll come to her senses and say she was wrong, but I know that won't happen, not in this life. It won't happen because she is right. We have our own paths. One is a nomad doomed to wander the earth forever in search of something he won't find. The other is a nomad doomed to settle down and make a life for herself. I know that I will carry her picture with me where ever I may roam and I'll make a point of visiting every bookstore in every place I stop for a while. You never know who you might meet. Hope, yes, but it's so small and weak, there isn't much chance of it growing into reality. I shall wander the earth, my heart breaking with every love song that ever plays on the radio, and she shall forget me in lieu of her life with a husband, children, a steady job, a home. Everything I want, and want to give her, everything I can't ever have. Not with her, not with anyone.

Love, what a fickle and cruel thing.

Everytime he touched her skin, it was a gentle caress, as if the spring breeze had suddenly gaines substance and was making love to her. When he kissed her, it was like butterfly's landing on her body, delicate, gentle, and done with the utmost care so as not to put a hair out of place. His only thought was to love her as fully as possible, hers only to love him as much as she possibly could. When they made love, there was no thought of trying anything "new", as every time he touched her, or she touched him, you could feel the passion and kindness and love whether it be something as simple as a shoulder massage or as meaningful as a night of making love. Her body longed for his touch, as his did for hers. Never before had two people been so close, so in love. It was as if the Gods themselves had granted these two people, these lovers, these partners for life, these soulmates, the power to love their mate so much so as not even death could part them. And love each other they did. They lived many wonderful years togehter, had 3 wonderful children who saw first hand what true love was from their parents, and when one of them died, it was as if Hades itself had been turned loose on the mortal realm, the other did grieve so much, so deeply and completely. It was as if the one remaining had died that night. Never again did they see their one remaining parent happy, except when talking about the deceased parnter in only the most loving of terms. It was as if both had lifted themselves up to the ranks of Gods, you would never hear a discouraging word from either about the other. Oh, they had their fights for sure, but they never went to bed angry at the other. And it all started with one gentle, electrifying caress, one kiss that would make all the great kissers of the world envious, it was executed with such great tecnique, such great love, such great passion. Making love for them was more then a pleasurable act, it was the greatest show of love that they could express. When it finally came time for the remaining lover to depart this mortal plane, it is said that they talked to each other in a language that none had ever been able to decipher since the dawn of human emotion and that when the last remaining lover died, the soulmate was their, on the other side, waiting. Never did the world see such great, such true lovers again, at least not in the lifetime of the children. The world would have to wait almost 200 years before such a pair would grace the earth with their prescence again. 200 years before the soulmates were reborn into different bodies, in different parts of the world. They did eventually find each other, and when they did, they both knew it was right, both knew the other just from talking to them over a cup of coffee. They both knew they would once again know the endless joy's of loving and of being loved. And then they kissed.
  • Current Music
    Bohmian Rhapsody - Queen

Life just got worse.

How in the hell would you like to find out that the one person you love more then life itself has cancer, and on top of that, you have already watched one lady friend die from lukemia? How in the fucking hell am I supposed to cope with that? GOD FUCKING DAMN!! Anyone who says this is God's will is seriously messed up in the head. Any "kind and loving" God would do anything to help his followers. No, there is no fucking God. Only an empty void.
  • Current Mood
    derpressed beyond help

My reasons for this journal

I have not told ANYONE about my journal, so it's not for attention (so all you fucks who think it is, well, you can just go screw yourselves), and it's definitly not just so I can vent (although lately, thats all I feel that I can do). I thought this would be a nice thing to have, nice and theraputic. But with some of you sick fuckers out there, you seem to think it's all one big joke. Fuck you. I don't need or want your comments.