December 10th, 2000


Still Confused

I still don't know what to make of what is going on. I know she just viewed an e-card I sent her (I had view notification turned on), but she has not sent me a msg or and email...what am I to do. I still want to be there for her as a friend, I want to be her shoulder to cry on, I want to be her confidant...most of all, I want to be hers. She wants nothing more then friendship and I am only to willing to give that, but at what cost to my own sanity? What cost to my own state of being? Does she care for me? Or is she just using me like so many have begun to say. I am lost in a sea of confusion and there is no sign of being rescued. Was what we had real? Or just another cyber-fantasy. What happened to the fairy tale, where did my princess go? Or am I, a lowly peasant, not good enough? Whatever cruelty the Gods played on Hercules, they are now playing on me, I think. So I leave you with a poem for I have no more words to describe what is going on, because I no longer know what is going on.

Never Having Met
By: Joseph A. Nagy, Jr

We have never met,
But I feel as if I've known you forever
We have never kissed,
But I feel as if we've kissed forever
We have never held hands,
But I feel as if we've held hands forever
We have talked once,
But I feel as if we have talked forever.

How can one such as I,
Feel for one such as you
Having never met we don't know
We have never been around each other
We don't know
The way we act online
Is different from Real Life
Rationalize, and I find I can't
Rationalize this, and I know I don't
Your visage, your lips, your touch, your voice
These I long for and more.

I have never known anyone quiet like you
I have never known anyone at all
I have never known myself
To feel like I do is new
To feel scares me to death
To seperate you from my heart would mean death
Death will know my heart
Death will know my soul
Death will know my emotions.

I have given you my heart
I have given you my soul
I would give you my body
All you have to do
All the world will know
All you need to do is ask
And the Earth is yours
And the Moon is yours
And the Universe is yours.

If the sun knew how I felt about you
If the sun only knew
If it knew that my love burns brighter then all of it's bretheren
It would snuff
It would try to burn me
It would try to burn the world
Jealousy is what the sun knows
Jealousy is its domain
Jealousy not known by the moon.

It is saddening
It is unhappiness
It is not love
A crush is all they say it is
A close approximation of love
A thing that isn't true enough to stand the test of time
Crushes come
Crushes go
Crushes are not meant to last.

Three years ago
Three decades ahead
Three, mind...body...and soul
We met in a room that wasn't real
We talked much to each other's appeal
We finished each others sentences like we knew
We knew what we wanted
We knew what we have
We have friendship everlast.

Now the time has come
Now the time for letting go
Now is NOT the time to go
Letting go sometimes is good
Letting go sometimes is bad
Letting go is not what we should do
Friendship outlasts all other things
Friendship burns forever
Friendship out lasts the sun.
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    confused confused